Gift your parents a book. About them.
Ninety minutes every Sunday, asking your mother about her life. Fifteen hours of tape. One book, printed and bound, handed over on the day.
Ninety minutes. When did anybody last ask your father about his own life for ninety minutes?
He has been asked about his blood pressure. About the property papers. About when he is visiting and whether he took the tablet. Nobody has asked him what the street sounded like at six in the morning in 1962, or what he did with his first salary, or what he was afraid of the year you were born.
He knows the answers. He is the only one who does. And the question of what to get him for his 75th is sitting in the family WhatsApp group between a watch he will not wear and a holiday he will refuse.
Get him a book. About him.
What the gift is
A printed book of your parent’s stories, in their words. A hundred-odd pages. The house they grew up in, the people before them, the first job, the wedding from each side, the move, the bad year, you as a baby. Photographs with names under them. Ten copies, so every grandchild owns one.
It gets made in two halves. First somebody asks, for about fifteen hours, in sessions of ninety minutes. Then somebody writes, for about two months. The somebody can be you.
Why this year
Every family has a shoebox of photographs, and in every shoebox there are faces only one living person can name. That person is your mother or your father. The names are not written anywhere else. There is no backup.
The regret I hear most in this work is four words long. “I wish I had asked.” About the village, about the war, about why he left. Nobody has told me they regret the book that got made. A writer can do a great deal with fifteen hours of tape. A writer can do nothing with none.
The other reason is smaller. Parents enjoy it. Several families have told me the sessions were the gift. The book was for the grandchildren. The Sundays were for him.
Four ways to do it
| Route | Who does the work | Time | Cost |
|---|---|---|---|
| Write it yourself | You, with my guide open | Six to seven months of Sundays and evenings | The print bill |
| The gift book | I do all of it. Twelve stories, about 25,000 words, ten hardbacks. | Four months | US$10,000 |
| The full book | I do all of it. The whole life, 60,000 to 90,000 words. | Six months and up | US$25,000 |
Most people reading this should take the first route. I mean that. If you can give up your Sunday mornings and you can write a clear email, you can make this book, and a book made by a daughter has something in it that I cannot put there.
So the guide is free and it holds nothing back. It is 8,000 words. It covers how to ask a reluctant father, what to record on, the ten sessions, what to do with fifteen hours of transcript, how to write in your mother’s voice, the photographs, the printer, and the day you hand it over.
When to pay somebody
Three cases.
1/ You tried. The recordings exist, they have sat on your phone for two years, and the birthday is now close.
2/ Your parent will not talk to you. It is ordinary. Plenty of fathers will tell a stranger about the year the business failed and will never tell their son. I am a stranger with a recorder and a contract that says nothing leaves the room.
3/ There are four siblings in three countries, and no one of you has the six months. Then split the fee four ways and let me do the work.
For those cases there is the gift book. Ten lakh rupees in India, US$10,000 elsewhere, four months, ten hardback copies in the box.
Everything in this section
The full guide
Twelve steps from the first awkward conversation to the printed book. Free, 8,000 words, nothing held back.
100 questions to ask your parents
Ten sessions of ten, written for families from India, East Africa and the Gulf, in the order that works.
Interviewing from another country
You are in New Jersey and she is in Pune. Time zones, recording a call, and using the sibling who lives nearby.
The 60th, the 70th and the 80th
Shashti Poorthi, Bhima Ratha Shanti, a thousand full moons, and when to start for each.
The gift book
What is in the ten lakh, what is left out, the four months and the four payments.
How this gift goes wrong
I have watched it go wrong once. Announced the wrong way, a life story at eighty sounds like an obituary ordered early. “We would like to preserve you” is a sentence no father wants to hear from his children.
So do not say preserve, legacy or memories. Say the grandchildren have been asking where the family comes from, and that you would like to hear it from him. Say anything he wants out of the book stays out. Then ask about the house, and let him talk. A memoir as a gift has the rest of that conversation.
And record this Sunday, on your phone, whatever you decide about me. The tape is the part that cannot be bought later.
Questions people ask
Is a book a good gift for parents who have everything?
It is the one gift they cannot buy for themselves, because it needs somebody else to do the asking. It cannot be returned, it does not need a shelf in a full house, and ten copies mean every grandchild owns one.
Can I write my parents’ life story myself?
Yes, and most people should. You need about fifteen hours of recorded conversation, six to seven months of Sundays and evenings, and a process. The free guide is the process.
What does it cost to have a parent’s life story written?
With me, the gift book, about 25,000 words with ten printed hardbacks, is US$10,000, or ₹10 lakh in India. The full biography is US$25,000, or ₹25 lakh.
How long does it take?
Six to seven months if you write it yourself. Four months for the gift book. Six to twelve months for a full biography. Count back from the birthday and add a month.
What if my parents say their life is not interesting enough for a book?
Every parent says it. Tell them the book is for the grandchildren, who have asked where the family comes from. Then ask about the house they grew up in. By the second session they have stopped saying it.
Is this the same as a question-a-week book service?
No. Those services email your parent a question a week and print what your parent types. They cost about a hundred US dollars a year and suit a parent who likes to write. This is for the parent who talks. Somebody asks, listens, asks the second question, and writes the book.
Ninety minutes, this Sunday.
Put your phone on the table, press record, and ask about the house they grew up in. If you would like me to take it from there, write to me. I reply within 48 hours.